And so I have become Mary Poppins in the diaper packing department - stuffing everything from food to juice to library books to new toys in there so it is overflowing with activities to keep this nearly three year old entertained why we wait and wait.
Yesterday we waited for nearly an hour and she sat there quietly on the steps playing with her princesses. I wish I could enjoy the good behavior but the whole time I am overcome by immense stress wondering when Maggie is going to wake up, praying she doesn't start crying and I have to take her out of the veiled car seat where she is protected, thinking any minute Mary Lawrence is going to hit her breaking point and hoping I packed enough anti-bacterial wipes to get through the office visit?
And then no matter how well things are going, something always happens to throw the relative calmness into complete chaos and my mounting inner stress turns into tears running down my cheeks. Whether it is a huge diaper explosion and I forgot an extra outfit or Mary Lawrence busting her knee on the sidewalk outside the office and I don't have any band aids , it seems no day ever goes really smooth and as I often find mysef in tears and praying for endurance and patience to get through the day.
I know I am kind of feeling sorry for myself. I think I have just come to the realization that even though Maggie is healthy and doing great, our normal daily lives are very different than other families with young children and will be for a while. Maggie is going to need occupational and physical therapy twice a week and speech therapy as well. She has a developmental specialist that comes to our house twice a month. That's not including the pulmonologist, opthamologist, dermatologist and I sure there will be other "ologists" along the way. Am I sounding bitter? I am not. I guess I just had this impression that once we got through RSV season we could get out more, but getting out consists mostly of these appointments and then me stressing to fit in some "fun" time for Mary Lawrence. I always thought as a young mom I would be going to story time and Bible Study or MOPS or planning or day around the arboretum or some fun museum. And that's just not the case right now. I am trying to make the most of it, but honestly right now I am just a little overwhelmed.
I pray often to God that I don't know if I can do all of this well enough. I'm too impatient. Too short-tempered. Too selfish. Too tired. I just feel like I am not strong enough to deal with it all. But each time I feel so weak and incompetent I remind myself what he has already empowered me to endure. And I hear him saying to me, "Lee, you can do all things through me, who gives you strength."
And that's all I have to say about that right now.