Friday, July 31, 2009

How do you feel about life?

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created." Revelation 4:11

"How do you feel about life?" That's what the doctor asked me on Monday at the hospital after giving us the horrible news. How do I feel about life? Well, I like it. I cherish it. I want it for my baby. What kind of question is that? Well, I knew what he was getting at and ended the conversation before it began. I understand it must be doctor protocol to ask, as I guess this is one of those situations where "the mother's health is at risk" (never thought I'd be in that category!) But, please, as he is asking me the most vile question a mother could ever be asked, I look behind him at the ultrasound screen and there is our healthy, strong baby moving and waving his arms.

This is my prayer; please pray with us:

"Lord, heal my body so this baby can live. Let there be just enough fluid for this baby to develop normally. Keep us both free of infections."

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tiny Glimmer of Hope

Went to our doctor today and the baby is still growing with a normal heartbeat. Praise God! But the hope we got was that our dr. saw a little amniotic fluid around the baby's head. It is still not enough for the baby to develop normally but compared to Monday when there was no fluid, we are grateful that there is some. Our desire is that the baby will keep producing enough to develop normally. I know my dr. was wrong last time, and could be wrong again, but I do feel like we will take whatever good news we can get.

Right now the biggest risk is infection to me and the baby. So we are praying against infection and also that my body heals so the baby can have enough fluid to survive. The dr. was very honest that our prospects are not good, but God has given us hope today. Right now our hope is in Him.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

In the Shadow of your Wings

"On my bed I remember you, I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:6-8

As the scorching sun of life bears down on us right now, I do feel safe in the shadow of His wings. The few people I have spoken with have all said it sounds like I have peace about everything, and I do - but only by the grace of God who is holding me up. I am clinging to him because He is my only Hope.

We go back to the doctor at 9am for an update. Several of you have asked what to pray for. This is what I am praying right now: that tomorrow we might get a glimmer of hope. That something miraculous has happened and things look better than they did before. How wonderful would that be! God wants us to pour out our hearts to him and that's what I have been doing all day: praying that he would heal my body so this baby can live.

But I also know that we are supposed to pray for God's will to be done. He has numbered all of our days, even the little baby in my womb. I trust that - even though I may not like what that number actually is. My wise grandmother said she is praying that if God takes this baby, that He will do it swiftly. Selfishly. if this baby is going to be taken from us, I want him to live long enough to see him and hold him and kiss him. I want evidence that he was real and was beautiful and was ours.

Then again, I do not want him to suffer in the least. Therefore, I do pray that God would show his mercy and protect this precious baby from any harm and if that means taking him early then I have to be thankful for that, right? It is just too much to comprehend sometimes. So I rest on what Romans says about when we don't know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit "intercedes in us with groans words cannot express." Amen.

Day 10

Day 10 of bed rest. Justin is disturbed that I don't want to watch television or really do anything. I won't so much walk to the living room to get on the couch, because I want to know I am doing everything possible to save our baby. Last week I read three books and watched a few movies, but that is when the doctor had given me hope. Now that they have given me no hope - other than God's divine intervention - I would rather be my quiet room with my Bible and my journal.

Last night my mom and sister took our daughter to dinner so Justin and I had some quiet time together. I always get mad at Justin when he cracks jokes at totally inappropriate times- like the time early in our marriage when I was so sick and practically dying on the floor of the doctor's office in Little Rock when Justin felt compelled to begin his stand up comedy act. I think he was nervous about seeing me so sick and didn't know what else to do. Looking back it was funny, but at the time I wanted to strangle him!

But last night was different. I needed to laugh. We laid in bed and he told me funny stories about work and about Mary Lawrence. No matter how sad or angry I am, and no matter how much I don't want to laugh, Justin can make me burst out into happy tears just like that. It seems awful that we could laugh, (there was some crying, too, don't worry) but I think we just can't believe the absurdity and horror of what's going on. One day everything was fine and then the next day our lives took a dramatic turn into sad and familiar territory. I keep telling Justin I can't go through this. Again.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Please keep praying

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 5:10

I lie awake on my bed tonight where I have been for the past week and feel our baby moving within me. "Is this the only time I will get to spend with him?" That is the thought running through my head. It just seems to cruel for the baby to be healthy and fine but everything around it is not. He just needs a chance to survive.

The devastating news yesterday does not stop me from pleading with God for a miracle. I truly believe he can if it's His will. I surely don't deserve God's goodness or mercy right now or ever, but that is my purest desire. And our Heavenly Father wants us to pour our desires out to Him so that's what I am going to do: pray without ceasing for a miracle.

A Rollercoaster Day

Monday July 27th

"What I feared has come upon me, what I dreaded has happened to me." Job 3:25

I am writing this for those who have been so diligently praying for us all the while wondering what exactly is transpiring in our lives. A week ago Monday my doctor put me on bed rest because he was concerned my amniotic fluid was leaking. (I am nearly 16 weeks pregnant). I was scared to death and did not do a thing for a week, praying that he was wrong or that God would heal the problem. Well, we went in to the doctor yesterday feeling very hopeful. Our doctor did our ultrasound and announced that the fluid levels had risen, the baby's heartbeat was perfect and he was measuring just right. We were so elated, especially after our doctor assured us that everything looked as best as it could. But, he said he wanted wanted us to go over to the more advanced ultrasound at the Maternal-Fetal Care Practice to do a full anatomy scan to make sure the baby had not suffered any damage. Of course, I was nervous about that, but I was just so thankful that he was alive and doing okay.

Well an hour later we had the second ultrasound. And after a few seconds, the doctor turned to us with the worst look I never want anyone to have to see, and said bluntly, "There is no fluid at all." I couldn't believe my ears. How could our doctor see lots of fluid and this doctor see none? There were a few more conclusions (I will spare you of the graphic details) but basically our baby is growing normally and perfectly. But without amniotic fluid his lungs cannot develop properly and therefore survive outside the womb. They are not sure how my body will handle this. The baby could live inside me for a few days, a few weeks or longer, but if he is born, and the amniotic sac does not heal very soon, then the baby can only live a few minutes outside the womb. "Only a miracle can save your baby," were the doctor's exact words. I had to balance myself on Justin's arm as we walked out of that office.