"On my bed I remember you, I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:6-8
As the scorching sun of life bears down on us right now, I do feel safe in the shadow of His wings. The few people I have spoken with have all said it sounds like I have peace about everything, and I do - but only by the grace of God who is holding me up. I am clinging to him because He is my only Hope.
We go back to the doctor at 9am for an update. Several of you have asked what to pray for. This is what I am praying right now: that tomorrow we might get a glimmer of hope. That something miraculous has happened and things look better than they did before. How wonderful would that be! God wants us to pour out our hearts to him and that's what I have been doing all day: praying that he would heal my body so this baby can live.
But I also know that we are supposed to pray for God's will to be done. He has numbered all of our days, even the little baby in my womb. I trust that - even though I may not like what that number actually is. My wise grandmother said she is praying that if God takes this baby, that He will do it swiftly. Selfishly. if this baby is going to be taken from us, I want him to live long enough to see him and hold him and kiss him. I want evidence that he was real and was beautiful and was ours.
Then again, I do not want him to suffer in the least. Therefore, I do pray that God would show his mercy and protect this precious baby from any harm and if that means taking him early then I have to be thankful for that, right? It is just too much to comprehend sometimes. So I rest on what Romans says about when we don't know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit "intercedes in us with groans words cannot express." Amen.