Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 10

Day 10 of bed rest. Justin is disturbed that I don't want to watch television or really do anything. I won't so much walk to the living room to get on the couch, because I want to know I am doing everything possible to save our baby. Last week I read three books and watched a few movies, but that is when the doctor had given me hope. Now that they have given me no hope - other than God's divine intervention - I would rather be my quiet room with my Bible and my journal.

Last night my mom and sister took our daughter to dinner so Justin and I had some quiet time together. I always get mad at Justin when he cracks jokes at totally inappropriate times- like the time early in our marriage when I was so sick and practically dying on the floor of the doctor's office in Little Rock when Justin felt compelled to begin his stand up comedy act. I think he was nervous about seeing me so sick and didn't know what else to do. Looking back it was funny, but at the time I wanted to strangle him!

But last night was different. I needed to laugh. We laid in bed and he told me funny stories about work and about Mary Lawrence. No matter how sad or angry I am, and no matter how much I don't want to laugh, Justin can make me burst out into happy tears just like that. It seems awful that we could laugh, (there was some crying, too, don't worry) but I think we just can't believe the absurdity and horror of what's going on. One day everything was fine and then the next day our lives took a dramatic turn into sad and familiar territory. I keep telling Justin I can't go through this. Again.


  1. Lee, I love that I can get on here and hear your heart. I am praying and will continue to do so. I know your appointment is in the morning so I will for sure be praying.

  2. Lee, this is Missy's sister Emily. I hope you don't mind that she shared this site with me, but I have been asking about you and can't imagine what you are going through. Thank you for being so honest and raw so that we can really pray for you and your precious son's healing. Our God is a God of healing and miracles - of that I am sure. A verse that has been encouraging for a friend of mine in her struggle with her son's health: "Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for, and CERTAIN of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1.

  3. Dearest Lee,

    I have just read and then re-read what is going on with your baby. Lee and Justin, I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this anguish and uncertainty right now. It's like trying to make sense of yet another struggle in our lives and of course, we will never be able to make sense of it. But we do serve a mighty God who has made sense of it, understands it, ordains it, watches it, and will one day justify all the heartache in this life for those of us who love Him. There is peace that we do not understand when we trust in Jesus, the one who took all of our suffering upon Him. But it still makes me just want to scream and stomp my feet again. A writer I follow said the other day that he wished our churches had a room for screaming - somewhere that gives us permission to shout at all of the struggles of this life. I do it every day here at home, outside at night looking up at the stars and moon, shaking my fists at God, crying again and again, and interestingly, the God I can complain to is the God who is healing me - the God who took our Megan is the same God who is healing and watching over me; and that is true for you also. He watches over us all and has a plan and a purpose and it is good and we trust Him. I don't understand it, but I trust it and you do too. Thank you for letting it all out for us to share in this journey of the heart with you. I love you and will pray for you and Justin and ML and your entire family as you come together in love to care for each other. And I will pray especially for this child who God knows fully and has a plan and a purpose and it, too, is good. We must all have the faith of a little child. It will be enough. God is enough. I love you, Marcia