I need thee

ML has had a fever now for several days. In fact, I can't remember ever seeing her so sick. Thankfully Maggie does not have the same virus; she's just really congested. Despite my efforts to try and keep them separated, I had to take them to their GI follow up yesterday because Mary Lawrence's stomach issues have not resolved.

So off we went to the doctor yesterday, lysol and purel in tow. Mary Lawrence was traumatized by the doctor's visit and then she had to have an X ray of her stomach. Those X ray rooms at the hospital are so cold and dark and scary with a huge robot-looking machine arched over a bare table. It took three of us to hold her down on the table. I will never forget this as long as I live. I kept yelling over her screams that it was just a camera and it was just going to take a picture of her tummy so the doctor could help us. She was shaking and her lips were shaking and tears were streaming down her face as she grinned her teeth and cried, "Cheese" as she looked up to the machine. It was the saddest, cutest thing I have ever seen.

The doctor confirmed with the X Ray that there was blockage and we have a three day regimen to try and get it all out before they try anything else. He said she was going to be cramping and pain during that time so not to leave the house much. So here we are facing another self-imposed isolation. We were up all night with fever, congestion, cough, chills, and now also the stomach cramping. During all of this I am trying to teach her to pray when she is scared or hurting and ask God for help. That He loves her and is right here with her at all times. I keep telling her it is going to get better soon but I know that concept of "soon" is difficult for her to understand.

The whole thing just breaks my heart and I am scared of what the root cause of all of this is. The doctor said he may do some testing to see if she has any underlying issues. I pray that she doesn't and I have been praying that she does not have any long term complications from this. Because in the end, it is partially my fault for not attending to this issue earlier and pushing her doctor to take it more seriously. I feel so guilty about that and that is why I just hope we can resolve this and it will be the end of GI issues.

On to Maggie...I started crying in the office when the nurse weighed her and told me she lost weight over the past week. I just don't understand it. If someone will just please tell me what to do to get her to eat I will do it! But no one knows and it is just a process of elimination as most things are in diagnostics. We will get to start feeding therapy next week.

I am person that likes to prioritize and cross things off my check list. And I keep telling myself that if I can just get one child well and healthy then I can focus on the other one. I even asked the doctor in all seriousness which child I should be more worried about. He said Maggie. But when Maggie is happy as she can be and Mary Lawrence is moaning in pain, it's hard to grasp that.

The thing is, I can't neglect one for the other. They both need tons of attention and care right now. And I just don't feel like I can give them both what they need at 100%. Physically and mentally I am weak. But I am continually reminded by those around me that the Lord is with me and He is strong. And I don't mean to sound cliche when I say stuff like this, but I really mean it. After a rough few weeks of feeling sorry for myself and feeling out of control, yesterday I finally realized that for the thousandth time. I need to call out to Him when I feel this way, and pray without ceasing for my children. I need to read Scripture that reminds me that He is my strength and my shield and my portion. I need to use this experience to show my children how to go to humbly go to Him in prayer and how to praise Him for answered prayer. I need Thee, Lord, I need Thee, every hour I need Thee...