Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pity Party

You know in Office Space when Peter says, "Every day is worse than the day before and so that means that every single day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life."  Well, if you replace "worst" with "hardest" that is me in a nutshell right now. It really seems like the days keep getting more difficult and I just don't know how much more I can take and stay sane.

I know, I know. It sounds like I have a terrible attitude, and I guess I do, but I just had to let my normally positive attitude go on hiatus for a bit. I mean no normal person can let all of this stuff roll off their backs all of the time, can they? I just feel so frustrated and tired and sometimes just want to go in another room and scream. Seriously, if I gave you the blow by blow of my day and what it all entails you wouldn't even believe it. I would write it all out because it is probably comedic to some. But I just can't relive it. I don't even tell Justin the full details about our day because it's so exhausting just to explain it. And it's every day.

The reason I am on the verge of losing it is because right now both of my children are having health issues (I'll explain about ML later) and I just can't seem to make at least one of them well. On Monday I had to figure out how I was going to get through nine appointments this week. Each day (at 5:30 when my children wake up) I have to take a deep breath in order to face the day. And throughout the day I just whisper quiet prayers asking for patience and endurance because it's so demanding right now. And what's even harder is that I feel like I am the only one dealing with stuff like this (don't you just hate when the Enemy does that?). I look around me and it seems like everyone else has it all together: their children have no major issues or illnesses, their husbands don't have absurd work hours, they have family close by who can help so they don't have to drag both children all over town to hospitals and doctors offices, they don't have horrific pregnancies, and they have time for things like Bible Study or even the gym. I know no one's life is really easy, but it sure seems that way sometimes.

The reality is that I am so tired of myself. So tired of our family having issues, and problems, and one thing after another. I know my friends must be tired of me, too. They have done more for me over the past year than most families do for each other. And they haven't stopped. When they see a need, they do whatever they can to help me. And I just don't want them to have to anymore. Or I guess I should say that I am tired of always being the friend in need. Like I said, I so tired of me.

As you can see, I definitely have been throwing myself a perfect little pity party for myself.  I know as I write all of this down that I don't at all sound thankful for the precious moments we are experiencing amidst this trial  or the amazing things we are learning about God's goodness and faithfulness. And that's wrong. Because God has not abandoned us and has given us the strength to make it this far and He will continue to do so. But today I have just have to vent. And writing it all out allows me to do that ( and maybe someday my daughters will read this and smile at the thought of their mother losing it). I guess you could say I am giving myself a pass today. Because I mean, really, a person can only take so much.


  1. Lee, you can complain and cry all that you need are SO STRONG!! You need to know that. Let Justin keep the kids...go to a field and SCREAM!! It is pretty freeing. Praying for you tonight.


  2. I so remember feeling that way and I never had to face the stuff you do everyday. I have gone to my closet and screamed on several occassions. Starting your day at 5:30? That is crazy!! Anyone having to get up that early cannot function all day! Remember when you are tired things always seem worse than they really are. I can only imagine how hard things really are for you right now, so throwing in tired does not help! I can so relate to not having family around or help. It sucks. It really does take a village to raise a chld and so when you are on your own it is excruciating! Things WILL get better. Hang in there and take one day (and just the dr appts for that day) at a time. Praying for peace and strength and more sleep!

  3. Lee,
    I tried to post a comment a minute ago and it didn't work, so if you get this twice, sorry!
    I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I have prayed for you and Maggie since the beginning and wept for joy when I knew she was here to stay.
    I never commented before because I didn't know if you knew my story. Findley and I have a little girl with severe cerebral palsy due to negligence at the hospital. I didn't want your mind to go places it didn't need to and I know that Maggie is going to be perfect!
    However, this period of having such a little one is so hard. Feeding issues alone are definitely enough to put you over the edge. I have had many weeks with 9 appts and they are overwhelming to say the least. On top of that, it seems like everyone else has 4 healthy kids and spends all day at the pool. (obviously, I'm exaggerating, but it is hard.)
    I started a blog a few months ago and have written a lot about what we have been through with VIrginia, especially in the early days. YOu are not alone!!
    Please let me know if you ever need someone to talk to or just to listen. I will be in Dallas in July for Taylor Hughes' wedding. I would love to come visit.
    much love,
    Abby Taylor Frazer

  4. Lee,
    I am sure that you don't know who I am but I have been reading your blog for a long time. Your story is so inspiring to me. I have often wondered how you do what you do every day and not go crazy. I just had my first in February and remember thinking in the beginning that it was the hardest thing I have ever done and we don't have appointments to go to and he is a fairly easy baby. I know that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle so he must think that you are tough enough to handle a lot. I know that when I am tired everything seems sooo much worse. I wish that I lived there so that I could at least let you nap occasionally. Just know that there are people out there praying for you. Hang in there!! You will look back and be amazed at what you went through. You are a wonderful mother!!
    Kristi Farmer (James Farmer's wife)