You know in Office Space when Peter says, "Every day is worse than the day before and so that means that every single day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life." Well, if you replace "worst" with "hardest" that is me in a nutshell right now. It really seems like the days keep getting more difficult and I just don't know how much more I can take and stay sane.
I know, I know. It sounds like I have a terrible attitude, and I guess I do, but I just had to let my normally positive attitude go on hiatus for a bit. I mean no normal person can let all of this stuff roll off their backs all of the time, can they? I just feel so frustrated and tired and sometimes just want to go in another room and scream. Seriously, if I gave you the blow by blow of my day and what it all entails you wouldn't even believe it. I would write it all out because it is probably comedic to some. But I just can't relive it. I don't even tell Justin the full details about our day because it's so exhausting just to explain it. And it's every day.
The reason I am on the verge of losing it is because right now both of my children are having health issues (I'll explain about ML later) and I just can't seem to make at least one of them well. On Monday I had to figure out how I was going to get through nine appointments this week. Each day (at 5:30 when my children wake up) I have to take a deep breath in order to face the day. And throughout the day I just whisper quiet prayers asking for patience and endurance because it's so demanding right now. And what's even harder is that I feel like I am the only one dealing with stuff like this (don't you just hate when the Enemy does that?). I look around me and it seems like everyone else has it all together: their children have no major issues or illnesses, their husbands don't have absurd work hours, they have family close by who can help so they don't have to drag both children all over town to hospitals and doctors offices, they don't have horrific pregnancies, and they have time for things like Bible Study or even the gym. I know no one's life is really easy, but it sure seems that way sometimes.
The reality is that I am so tired of myself. So tired of our family having issues, and problems, and one thing after another. I know my friends must be tired of me, too. They have done more for me over the past year than most families do for each other. And they haven't stopped. When they see a need, they do whatever they can to help me. And I just don't want them to have to anymore. Or I guess I should say that I am tired of always being the friend in need. Like I said, I so tired of me.
As you can see, I definitely have been throwing myself a perfect little pity party for myself. I know as I write all of this down that I don't at all sound thankful for the precious moments we are experiencing amidst this trial or the amazing things we are learning about God's goodness and faithfulness. And that's wrong. Because God has not abandoned us and has given us the strength to make it this far and He will continue to do so. But today I have just have to vent. And writing it all out allows me to do that ( and maybe someday my daughters will read this and smile at the thought of their mother losing it). I guess you could say I am giving myself a pass today. Because I mean, really, a person can only take so much.