Starting Fresh Each Day

Well we had some "firsts" around here yesterday:  the first time I let my daughter leave the house to go anywhere with her pajamas on; the first time I gave her candy for breakfast ( I had forgotten to give her breakfast when we left the house at 6 am and all I had in my purse was a Kit Kat); and the first time I gave her a haircut because I didn't have time to wait an hour at Cool Cuts only to have them do a horrible job. Well, lucky me, I didn't have to go anywhere for that this time because we had another first:  while I went to check on Maggie, Mary Lawrence grabbed the scissors and started cutting chucks of hair away from her head.

Yes, things feel like they are just a little out of control around here. That's why I haven't blogged. I can't stand to complain and always write about what's going wrong in our life. But just in case my friends are wondering why we've fallen off the face of the planet here's what's been happening:

1. On Sunday Justin threw out his back. He has been incapacitated for six days now and is still in excruciating pain every time he moves. He had a cortisone shot but it wasn't the quick remedy he was hoping for. This is very serious and we are not taking it lightly, but I really feel like I don't have much "nursing" left in me. Poor Justin is in so much pain, and it's been scaring Mary Lawrence to see her daddy like this. I hate to be a prayer hog - always asking for prayers for my family - but I just don't know if we can take much more. Please pray for Justin's back to heal and for him to avoid back surgery.

2. Maggie is no longer the happy baby she was before the G-button. It's hard for me to admit that because she is so sweet, but something is bothering her big time because she is constantly fussy. Ever since they increased her feeds (because she only gained a few ounces in the month after her surgery) she has been projectile vomiting nonstop. Even with doing a slow, continuous feed at night, she still wakes up soaking wet from all the reflux. It is quite alarming and I'm now sleeping her in room because I am so scared she is going to choke at night and we won't hear her. At the same time, she has to gain weight. It's not an option not to let her gain weight. During the day we feed her 3 ounces over an hour and she still spits it all up as soon as we move her or put her in the car seat. Of course, this doesn't help her oral aversion. She has completely backtracked and won't even touch the bottle to her mouth. Every time I hear her coughing I just think, "Oh no!" and run over to her to try and "catch" the vomit - literally. It's totally out of control and I can't take it anymore. We have calls into the doctors but she is on the maximum meds she can be on for reflux so not sure what else they can do.

3. As for the torticollis, the therapist told me yesterday that they want to explore other options while we wait on Maggie to get into Scottish Rite. She said there are some other things that can cause her to be off balance - like the fluid in her ears may not be in equilibrium and that may be causing her to tilt. There are some other things she wants to research and it just stresses me out to write about - there's always something for me to stay on top of...

4. Helmet - Guess who needs another one? Although the first one did wonders, there is still a lot that can be done and she has grown out of her first one. I really don't care that she needs another one, I just wish insurance didn't consider it a "cosmetic: procedure. I mean, really, is it her fault that she was smashed up against my ribs for four months without anywhere to move and then flat on her back for two months in the NICU?

I know God is using all of this strife for His good purposes. It's just hard to see what those purposes are when you feel like your family is crumbling apart right before your eyes. Two things are clear: One, God is using me as the glue to hold this family together and, two, I stink at doing it. I cannot do it alone. I need His help to get through every hour and every day.  I need His strength, His patience, His gentleness, and His love so I can be a mother whose husband "has full confidence in her" and whose children call her "blessed." (Proverbs 31). Honestly, I don't think they would say those things about me right now. But due to the grace of God I can start afresh this hour and that is what I am going to do....