Yesterday was the first day I wasn't here for a good chunk of the day (trying to get all my "appointments" in before Maggie comes home) and of course that's when a mistake was made with her feeding. A nurse that she's ne er had before started giving her formula when she's been only on breastmilk. And when I found out I just lost it. It had already been a terrible morning with other stuff and when I arrived at the hospital she was having trouble with her oxygen saturation. That's when I noticed the formula bottles and was told they ran out of breastmilk so they started formula. I was so upset. We were never told they were low on my milk nor did they tell us when they started formula. I just happened to notice, though it was 20 hours after they started. It's a big deal to switch any baby to formula- Mary Lawrence had a terrible time with it- but it can be much worse for a preemie who's never had it in her system. So all day she's been extremely constipated and unhappy and I think her breathing issues could be related to it all.
I know, I know- It's not the end of the world, I realize that, but when you are trying so hard to breastfeed and pump every few hours to be able to keep it up, to have this happen is so frustrating. The poor nurses here think I am crazy but tears just were streaming down my face for hours. And when I did try to breastfeed she didn't do well and that made my tears pour again!
I know it's not my fault that this happened but I blame myself. I just wasn't physically able to be here,but I am now. But I've been here for a while now just to make sure her stomach is ok. I am down in the cafeteria now because they make parents leave during shift change. Here I am just sitting here people watching. It's just a sad place, that's all there is to it. People in the hospital cafeteria on Friday night are probably going through much worse than I am. An older woman asked me for directions in the hospital garage the other day and ended up telling me all about her daughter who has a life-altering brain tumor and has small children at home. It was just so sad. I'm sure the garage ticket taker thought I had suffered much worse today because I was bawling as I handed her my money. I'm about to go back up now and hopefully Maggie is doing much better. I'm not sure I can say that for myself!