Thursday, June 10, 2010

For Sanity's Sake

We don't take Maggie out much because inevitably some stranger comes and peeks their head into her carrier and we start panicking about germs. But since it's summer and we desperately need some normalcy, we have ventured out a little more often with her. Tonight at dinner someone asked me how old Maggie was. "Let me guess," she said,"about six weeks old?"

Now I am surprised at myself that I didn't burst into tears, because, honestly, it's personal. But I didn't. I guess I am kind of over the whole idea in my head that Maggie needs to be a chubby, healthy baby in the long line of Wooten babies that came before her. She's just not going to be that baby. And that's okay, although it is slightly deperessing that she is barely into 0-3 months clothing. I keep telling myself that one day when she's 5'9 and healthy and athletic we will be amazed that once she was this tiny little baby struggling to thrive, right?!

Anyways, last week we were so encouraged because for several days in a row she took every single bottle - and while she was awake! But then the weekend came and something threw her off her routine and she just never got back on. She gained a litlte weight last week but didn't gain any this week so we'll probably try another ng tube again tomorrow. First time to have one at home...which makes me nervous but I know it needs to be done.

The thing that is so maddening with Maggie is that I have seen her do so well and so when she doesn't do well, I just rack my brain to try and figure out why. What did I do differently this time? Did I have her tilted too upright? Should I have not pushed her too much? Maybe last time I faced her toward the wall instead of toward the bed- maybe that was why she didn't eat?  When I go in to feed her, Justin never knows what to expect when I come out. Will I be in tears? Will I throw the full bottle in the sink with an angry force? Will I be jumping for joy and squeezing Maggie tightly? You just never know.

I keep praying that Maggie will dramatically improve. I keep telling God, "it's for my own sanity, Lord!" But He knows where I am and what I need. I just cannot cease to keep asking him for His strength, His self-control, His patience. Because I surely cannot do this on my own.

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