A wreck

Yesterday Justin had to go work for a few conference calls (yes, Sunday morning conference calls). I felt physically awful because I have a bad cold/cough and couldn't sleep well. Maggie's screaming had not been relieved by the new button. It was 11 am and all I was thinking was, "how am I going to make until nap time?" I know every mom has days like that where you nerves are just shot and you think, "I'll just load the children up in the car and run an errand just to get out of the house." I mean, either she's screaming in the house or in the car, might as well get something done, right?

Well, Maggie's crying escalated due to fatigue and Mary Lawrence had a meltdown because I wouldn't buy her a toy. As we are driving home, I am at the end of my rope. I just want to get home and put them down for a nap so I can have some peace. I don't remember much of what happened next, except that I was trying to talk to ML about why we didn't need another toy and then the next thing I know we are in a bad wreck. The road curved and trees line the street. I guess I had turned to look over my shoulder at Mary Lawrence right when the road started curving and my car grazed the curb then lost control and went up on right into a tree and then kept going and hitting the other trees. Or at least that's how I remember it.

The next thing I know people are running up to the car and asking if we are okay. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got out...

Just when you think you can't take any more....

The rest of the day I felt so guilty. I still do. I have always been a good driver and never gotten in wreck. I could have seriously hurt my children and I would never have forgiven myself. I am just adding to my husband's stress level - like the constant medical bills aren't stressful enough?

We moms in our big SUVs think we are invincible, trying to drive while reaching back handing our children toys or talking on the phone (which I wasn't!). I thought if I wasn't texting then it would be hard for me to get so distracted that I would get in a wreck. But I was wrong. Like we've all heard before, life can change in an instant. Never again will I take driving my children around in the car so lightly. And I will always try to avoid driving in the right hand lane when there are potholes and trees so close to the street like that. That tree came so close to Mary Lawrence's door. I am just so thankful to God that are all safe and were not hurt. But I don't know if I will ever be the same in the car again.

As for my mental state (because I know you all are wondering!) I pretty much sobbed all yesterday afternoon. Poor Justin is probably regretting his decision to marry such a basketcase. (He was so sweet and understanding about it all, he even brought me flowers last night when he got home from working).  Anyway, you know how celebrities check themselves into the hospital for "exhaustion" and "fatigue"? I'm sure that's probably Hollywood code for "drug overdose," but right now it would be really nice just to check into the hospital and just sleep! An have someone else take care of me and everyone else.

Obviously that's not going to happen. I just have never felt at such a low point of helplessness and exhaustion in my life. Maggie cries the majority of the time she is awake (although last night trick or treating she did pretty well- I think distraction is good for her!). But at home the only thing that makes her somewhat calm is to be put in her bed. It's like she knows no one is going to mess with her in her bed. Frankly it's just pitiful and it makes me feel like I am neglecting her, but I don't know what else to do. I said earlier in the Spring that I don't know how I would deal with all of her medical issues if she was a fussy baby and how thankful I was that she was so sweet. Well those days are over. I felt like I handed the doctors my sweet, happy, but malnourished baby, and they gave me back an unhappy, miserable, and still malnourished baby.

I have never been more frustrated in my life. I don't care about the car, I don't care about anything material at this point. If we have to sell everything and move into an apartment I would do it if it would mean having a stable, happy, normal, and healthy family.

This is the tree that I hit. It is hard to believe that a medium size tree like this one could do that much damage to a Tahoe, espcially when I going less than 30 mph. Imagine what a tree could do going 75 mph...If your children are screaming, so be it. It is more important to focus on the road and get them home safely...let this be a lesson to all of us moms.