Guilt

"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul." Psalm 86:3-4


Guilt has set in. I can't shake it no matter how many doctors tell me nothing I did caused this. I keep retracing my steps the week before this happened: I did too much. I shouldn't have picked ML up so much. I was under a lot of stress.

I used to love watching the Discovery Health show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" featuring stories of women who went to full term never knowing they were pregnant. Stories of drinking, smoking, drugs, playing soccer, running marathons - and yet all of these women ended up having healthy babies. How then does this happen to Miss Overly Cautious (that's me) who avoids caffeine, deli meats, questionable cheeses? Who tries to rest every day when ML takes a nap? Why can other pregnant women jog and do step aerobics and yet I do nothing of the sort and now am at risk for losing my baby? I feel like I failed our baby, or at least my body did. I have tried to put all these thoughts on the back burner so I can stay positive and hopeful but today they are crowding my mind.

I also feel like a useless parent. I haven't been able to be a mother to my only child who needs me. As I lie in bed all day I see her run back and forth down the hallway to and from her room (she rarely makes a stop in my room as it is quite boring in here!). Make no mistake, she is perfectly in good hands with her grandmothers, who are spoiling her as grandmothers should, but her life has been out of whack every since this started two weeks ago and it's just not fair to her. I feel as helpless as I am sure all mothers do who are on bed rest.

And on top of that I feel like if I make one wrong turn in the bed, or stand up to long in the shower, then I will mess something up. I constantly thinking, "Am I drinking enough water - I need to drink more?" (in hopes of making more amniotic fluid). I am constantly eating yogurt and drinking cranberry juice to ward off infection. I have to take my temperature three times a day to make sure I am not getting one. If I do, I have to be rushed to the hospital immediately. I do it all gladly if it will save this little one bopping around my stomach. I just hope and pray that I get the chance to keep fighting for his life like this.

"Lord, thank you for getting us through the past two weeks. Please renew my hope today as I am down and guilt-ridden. I know that little baby is in your hands and you will do the best thing for him. As much as I do for this baby here on Earth, I know that the end result rests solely in your hands. We plead for your mercy on us, and pray that you give us the joyful blessing of continuing to give this child life. Please let the doctors see more fluid around our baby when we go tomorrow; heal my body and give us more hope to go on."