"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I am panicked. I don't know why. Well, I do. I just don't know why I can be feeling positive for a few days and them, BAM! - I realize again the severity of the situation and I start hyperventilating.
This morning my sweet sister organized ML's messy closet at my request. She brought all of her clothes in my room to sort and we made a huge pile of Spring dresses to put in the attic, never to be worn again. It made me so sad that the baby chapter of ML's life is over. She is about to start potty training (thanks to my mom) and move to her big bed soon. Maybe I wouldn't be so sad if I knew I had another healthy little baby on the way to sleep in that precious crib and play with her baby toys, but I don't know if that will be the case. But I guess what what makes me more upset is that I might miss out on the next 4 0r 5 months of ML's life if I continue on bed rest like this.
And that's when I started thinking horrible thoughts (which led to the aforementioned hyperventilating): "What if I carry this baby for months only to have him die? I will have missed out on so much of ML's life and still be without my baby. ML might not want me after being taken care of by others for so long. What if there are complications and I can't have any more children and no one wears these beautiful clothes again? What if ML never has a sibling? The guilt and sorrow will overwhelm me. What if get some horrible infection and both baby and me die, leaving ML without a mother?
Like I said, horrible thoughts. As I write this I realize I am fearful. And weak. And hurting. I need to stop writing and pray more. What's that Bible verse, "For when I am weak, I am strong'?