Sunday, August 9, 2009


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am panicked. I don't know why. Well, I do. I just don't know why I can be feeling positive for a few days and them, BAM! - I realize again the severity of the situation and I start hyperventilating.

This morning my sweet sister organized ML's messy closet at my request. She brought all of her clothes in my room to sort and we made a huge pile of Spring dresses to put in the attic, never to be worn again. It made me so sad that the baby chapter of ML's life is over. She is about to start potty training (thanks to my mom) and move to her big bed soon. Maybe I wouldn't be so sad if I knew I had another healthy little baby on the way to sleep in that precious crib and play with her baby toys, but I don't know if that will be the case. But I guess what what makes me more upset is that I might miss out on the next 4 0r 5 months of ML's life if I continue on bed rest like this.

And that's when I started thinking horrible thoughts (which led to the aforementioned hyperventilating): "What if I carry this baby for months only to have him die? I will have missed out on so much of ML's life and still be without my baby. ML might not want me after being taken care of by others for so long. What if there are complications and I can't have any more children and no one wears these beautiful clothes again? What if ML never has a sibling? The guilt and sorrow will overwhelm me. What if get some horrible infection and both baby and me die, leaving ML without a mother?

Like I said, horrible thoughts. As I write this I realize I am fearful. And weak. And hurting. I need to stop writing and pray more. What's that Bible verse, "For when I am weak, I am strong'?

1 comment:

  1. Lee, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you. You know Satan likes to get you in times like this. And I think you have hit on every mother's worse nightmare- leaving your kids here on earth without you. Oh, I can't even think about it. It used to paralyze me with fear. I did the new Beth Moore study recently and she taught me so much about trusting God. She challenged us about faith- she said faith isn't trusting God that everything but the one thing you fear most will happen. Like, God, I will can totally trust you as long as ___________ doesn't happen. I realized I was living like that. I will trust you with everything- but you cannot take me away from my girls. Who would take care of them? (God) How would they go on? They'd be messed up forever and hate God. I have seen God pull people out of way deeper holes and give them hope, joy, and a super purpose in life. So I know he can do that without me here. Again, more than I can think about, but I had to come to peace with it. I will be praying God will help you guard your thoughts and throw all of those terrible ones at his feet and let you walk without carrying those huge burdens around with you. And that he will keep Satan FAR from you. And of course, for that sweet baby of yours.
    One more thing- I so remember the days of taking care of my baby and watching as my precious older daughter didn't get what I wanted her to have- full time me. So try not to let it burden you. It is part of her life and hopefully when that sweet baby of yours is born and you bring him (I think you said him) home, she will not get your full attention then anyway. It is SO hard, but part of every family. So try not to let it weigh on you. God will protect her precious heart and I assure you 100% she will happily take all of you she can get and she will want you her whole life. There is no doubt in my mind. Olivia took me back and we were even closer than before- even though I didn't think it was possible. Hang in there. And bless you during this time.