Thursday, January 28, 2010

Our new normal

I haven't been posting a lot because it is really hard to find 20 minutes to sit down and do anything! I don't have anything of much importance to do but just basic things like returning emails, taking a shower (drying my hair is out of the question), returning phone calls, going through my mail and papers that have piled up over the past two months. I keep telling Justin if I could just get one thing checked off my list each day, that day would be counted a a success. But it's amazingly difficult to do!

Obviously Maggie requires almost constant attention. And when she's asleep, I try to spend time with Mary Lawrence, who we have taken out of Mother's Day Out for the rest of the year to minimize our chances of bringing home any viruses like RSV. I feel so guilty about this but keep telling myself it's the right thing. Poor thing, though, she has randomly announced a few times today that she wants to go to school. I know she's only two and she won't remember it in the long run but I still feel bad about it. Her life has been turned upside down this year and it's still not back to normal. It's not fair but we have to do everything we can to protect Maggie. So without school twice a week Mary Lawrence has volumes of energy that needs to be exerted. Thankfully she is good at playing by herself but I try to play with her or do something with her one-on-one every day. But I have to admit, it's hard to take 15 minutes to do that when I would sometimes rather organize her messy room or make a grocery list.

We are blessed to have a wonderful housekeeper a few days a week, otherwise Justin would come home to complete squalor. But even with a little help I still find myself not quite on top of things. I still haven't gotten a handle on our new normal. It's very strange to think that people's lives are buzzing all around us but our new life means being mostly home bound and trying to protect and grow this fragile little baby. It's so easy to forget that Maggie is so fragile because she seems strong and loud and feisty, but underneath that personality is a tiny baby whose lungs are still growing and very susceptible.

But you know, I keep reminding myself that it's really not that bad staying home all day. I am a homebody anyway. And the day goes by really fast because the action never stops. If I have the strength I'll get the girls in the car and go through the drive thru. But that's exhausting so I'll often go three or four days without leaving the house.

And poor Justin, by the end of each day I am so drained I don't think the words that come out of my mouth make any comprehensible sentences. So I often just go right to bed as soon as we get everyone to sleep and get all the bottles ready for the night. He is so sweet and let's me go to bed at 10 and then he does the 11 o'clock feeding so I get a solid block of sleep until the  3 am feeding.

So we obviously aren't getting to spend much time together as a couple since I am going to bed so early. Last Saturday we tried to have a "date night" and we rented a movie on "On Demand." It was a complete disaster. The movie would freeze every 30 seconds and we would have to stop it and replay it. We did this for an hour and only got through about 15 minutes of the movie. We were both so tired, but I was determined to finish it so we could say we really had a date night. Justin spent 20 minutes on the phone with AT&T but to no avail and then went to Blockbuster to rent the video ("The Hurt Locker" was the movie and it was excellent). So we watched a 100 minute movie in about 4 hours I think. It was midnight or one before I went to bed and the entire next day I was in a foul mood because I was so tired. Moral of the story is we might have to wait a bit longer for some quality time together. I know we will get there, but right now we have to survive and sleep is so important for survival!

Needless to say, communication between us is not great these days. I find myself making lists of things I need to talk to him about. So Justin, if you are reading this, I meant to tell you that I need to run a lot of errands this weekend since I don't get to during the week. Hopefully you can spare me a few hours this weekend so I can get my sanity in tact for another week. Thanks Hub. Love you.

1 comment:

  1. Lee, your writing really captures what it is like having a preemie in the house! This really brings back memories... I have a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, because what you are describing is so "normal" -- and your family and marriage will be stronger for going through it together. Keep trusting in God and keep reminding Justin how grateful you are for his support. ~Taylor (Sebastian's mom)