Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wiped out

The adrenalin that comes after giving birth has officially worn off. I don't want to complain because I am so thankful, of course. Just wanted to explain to friends why I may not have called you back or responded to your email just yet. Or why i am WAY behind on thank you notes!

Right now I feel like every ounce of energy is going to my two girls right now. Mary Lawrence needs me to be home as much as possible and I am trying to spend good quality time with her. Every time I leave her now she has a huge meltdown cause she doesn't know if I am leaving for an hour or for two months. Poor thing, I would cry too if I was her. And I am so torn because if Maggie was my only child I'd be at the hospital 24/7. I just want to sit by her all day, but that's just not fair to Mary Lawrence. And poor Justin so badly needs his wife back to normal, but I am afraid that is a ways off. How can one just flip a switch and go back to "normal" after all of this?

Anyways by about 5 pm everyday I am wiped out and would love to go to bed right then. But a full night of sleep is still ages away for me as I have to pump every few hours throughout the night. Again, I am so glad to do it, I'm just so tired - not only in a physical sense but also in an emotional sense. As I told a friend who drove me to the hospital last week (still can't drive for 2 weeks!), all I want to do is have a good sob. And not because I am sad because I am overflowing with joy, but because I've had so much built up emotion over the past four months that Ive been unable to express. I didn't want to cry while on bed rest because I was afraid of leaking amniotic fluid, and ever since I had my C-section it's been too painful to cry. I'll have my good cry one of these days, I guess!

After a section they tell you to rest and take it easy for a month but, I'm sorry, that's just not feasible in my case. My mom is good about reminding me to rest and sit down a lot, but it's really hard to relax when you have a 2 year old clamoring for much needed attention and a baby fighting hard in the NICU. Oh well, God has always given me just the right amount of strength when I needed it. And we still need His strength and daily guidance just as much as before. I just hope we never lose sight of this important truth.


  1. Oh Lee, I know right where you are! It is SO HARD! I was so resentful of the pump! It is impossible to get a good night's sleep and unfortuately you are not holding your little Maggie at the time. I remember walking down the halls of the CVICU unit with milk in the middle of the night and people telling me how tired I looked...ha! If they only knew! You are being such a good and strong mom for both of your girls. And as far as the c-section...I almost think I got through the pain faster because there wasn't time to concentrate on it. I feel the weight of the emotions you feel. Please know that I am praying very hard for you. You will get through all of this and in the end you will have the most precious gift...Maggie. Keep up the fight!
    Love ya!

  2. Lee,
    Don't do more than you can or feel guilt about it! I had a child in NICU, and I tried the pumping and setting my alarm all night long. It became where I resented it, and I was exhausted all the time. If you decide to do formula, your child will be fine. She will not even know the difference. Just remember that you will have to pace yourself for a marathon and not a sprint, so you need to be rested! Do what you feel you need to do! No guilt!
    Praying for you!
    Michelle Cearley

  3. Lee, you are so strong. We will be praying for energy and solid sleep when you can. ML and Maggie are so blessed to have you as a mother. Can't wait to see you next week. Much love!

  4. Lee, you are one of the most amazing moms I know! I will pray for rest and for an energy that "passes all understanding" from the Lord. You need it to be keeping up with a 2 year-old and a baby in the NICU. I don't have any advice except - FORGET ABOUT THE THANK YOU NOTES!!!!! I cannot tell you how tired I get of getting thank you notes from new moms of healthy, at-home kids after I take them dinner. I am doing things for them so that they have LESS TO DO!!! Anyone who's done a thing for you I can almost guarantee would just as soon not hear from you but know you're appreciating what's been done so that you can be with your girls and your husband.

  5. Lee, hang in there! you are a terrific mom and your faith is incredible. may God continue to bless and protect you, Maggie, and your whole family.

  6. Lee-

    We are thinking about you! Your friend is right- NO MORE THANK YOU LETTERS!! Seriously.

    We love you!


  7. Let's start a no-thank-you-note writing petition for Lee!